I'm just gonna move away and make new friends.

2004-02-12 - 9:15 p.m.

I give up. I try to do one thing to make things easier on myself and end up screwing myself over in the long run.

I broke things off with Joe yesterday. It ended well and we�re still going to be friends and keep in touch. And I�m grateful of that just because I don�t need another person out there who hates me or avoids me for whatever reason. I told him that even though I enjoyed hanging out with him most of the time, he drives me up the wall, and I just don�t have the patience for that right now. I�m stressed out like crazy from school and work as it is and I�m just trying to make things easier on myself. One less thing to have to worry about, ya know? I�m thinking now that I should have waited a few days before I did it.

Nic and I have had plans for the past month or more to go out on Saturday night. We�ve talked about dressing up and going out to dinner and out to the bar afterwards, and I even went and got Sunday off, so I could go out and relax and have fun and not have to worry about when I needed to be home. Well big fucking surprise, guess who just bailed on me?? She says that she doesn�t have any money because all her bills are due. I understand that. She won�t let me cover her and just pay me back. Yesterday, she informs me of this, and told me she�d let me know today if she would let me cover her or not. She tells me today that she won�t, and that she�s not going to go because Dave, her boyfriend, is definitely leaving for Afghanistan on Monday. And then she asks me if I am upset at this. DAMN RIGHT I AM! She just didn�t seem to get it when I said I was mad either, which makes me even more pissed. I told her I was mad because she did exactly what I figured she would do, and exactly what she promised she wouldn�t do, which was bailing on me, and because of Dave. She responded back to me (this was all by text message of course, which is almost worse than IM these days) saying that she doesn�t have the money and that Dave being here is a reason but not the main one, but I should believe what I want.

At this point I was close to fuming because she didn�t even get the point of my being upset. So I told her that the point was that she bailed on me and opted to instead spend the time with him because she never even considered asking me if I would be ok with doing something different than going out to dinner and the bar. The whole point of Saturday night was to spend the time with each other; it wasn�t to spend all the money we possibly could. So when I said this to her, her immediate response was, well do you want to do something else? That just angered me more, because now it feels like she�s just doing it out of pity, or so I won�t be mad at her anymore. I told her I didn�t know, and when she asked if I was still mad at her I told her I was. She told me to call her when I wasn�t mad anymore.

I just feel so betrayed or something. As it is I can�t stop bawling right now. (Why is it that half the times I write entries in here are when I�m bawling my eyes out?) And I keep thinking, if only I waited till next week to break things off with Joe, at least I�d have someone to hang out with if I wanted. It�s not exactly like I have many other offers or appealing choices for how to spend Saturday night. Dione from work invited me to go out with her and her girlfriend, because they�re just planning on hitting the bar and celebrating being single. I thought that was really sweet of her, and maybe I�ll take her up on it, but who knows. Nicole will be with her boyfriend, and Kyne has plans to go out to dinner with another friend of his from work. And everyone else I can think of will be working or would have plans.

At this point I just want to go curl up and sleep till St. Patrick�s Day.

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